When Kyle and I decided that we were ready to try for a baby, I immediately began imagining what our little Alcock would be like. Would we have a boy or girl? What would we be like as parents? I fantasized about buying cute little baby clothes, setting up a beautiful and perfect nursery, staying at home and playing with my cheerful little bundle of joy. Life would be amazing and we would ride out the sleepless nights on the blissful happiness of having our new baby.
Some parts of this fantasy of mine did come true. Despite Judah’s rough couple months, we get through it with some sort of bliss, whether it be caffeine induced, slight insanity, or the possibility of a 10 minute cat nap. We are definitely love drunk on this little boy and so happy to have him in our lives. We did buy him plenty of cute little baby boy clothes, and I am fortunate enough to be able to stay home with my precious babe each day; although, as stated in my previous post, this is not as glamorous as I had envisioned, however, it is far more rewarding. I was not, however, able to set up Judah’s nursery and this is something that I grieve each day.
Things are not always as you expect them to be. When Kyle and I were ready to start our family, we had the prospect of a steady future. Kyle was in his final year of graduate school and with this degree and some pretty great references in the college world, we thought for sure he would be a shoe-in somewhere for the job he has always wanted, a Resident Director at a college. As my pregnancy progressed, Kyle had more and more promising interviews, but all to no avail. Job or no job, Judah was coming. Because of this, Kyle and I had to make one of the most difficult decisions we’ve had to in our married life- we decided to move back in with Kyle’s parents while figuring out the next step for our family. Because of this, Judah has yet to be given a nursery.
Once we found out that we were having a boy, it was decided that his nursery would be full of sailboats, anchors, and whales. I carefully researched crib bedding and color pallets on Pinterest and Etsy. We found a unique changing table at our favorite little store in Warsaw (find them on Facebook here). I even had an old high school friend specially make him a mobile. Go here to see her other wonderful creations. I had the crib, the bedding, the decorations, even the paint color picked. I envisioned where everything was going to be placed in our house and was so excited to put it all together. But, the reality set in that this would be put on hold and currently, everything is boxed and stored, waiting to be set up someday.
So many of my friends and family had babies during the past summer months. It was such a fun time to watch all these new families being formed and added to. I loved seeing so many photos of the preparations unfolding as eager parents awaited there little ones. I loved seeing every photo except for the pictures of their nurseries. It brings tears to my eyes to this day, knowing my little boy is almost 4 months old and is still sleeping in our room in a pack-n-play, his beautiful nautical decorations stored and stuffed away in boxes in a cold dark storage unit.
Things rarely turn out as we expect them to. I will be forever grateful to the generosity of my mother and father-in-law for opening their home to us. It’s been a very humbling experience for my husband and I to give up our independence, grieve the loss of what we thought was our sure future, and await whatever it is that God has planned for us next.
Throughout this season of life, I have come to learn that grieving is important. It was important for me to grieve that fantasy of the perfect baby that I had imagined and to embrace this beautiful baby boy that is my reality. Sure, he screams some days for hours on end, but I can no longer possibly imagine any other little baby boy stealing my heart as much as he does. It has also been extremely healing and strengthening to my husband and I to work through the grieving process of where we thought we would be compared to where we are now. No, it’s not where we wanted to be, and yes, it’s hard. But we have grown in our marriage, know now, more than ever how we want our family to look and how we want to raise our little Judah, and what things are important to our happiness.
No, Judah doesn’t have a nursery right now but someday soon, he will, and it will be even better than what I imagined.