A Life Lost

I’ve had this post saved in my drafts for a few days now, I think it’s about time to share.

Some may think this, and several of my other posts for that matter, are “too much for the internet.” Sure, I think a lot of people over-share via social media, and I will openly admit, I am one of them. Who cares what I had for lunch? No one. Do I snap a photo and post it to my InstagramΒ (bethanyruthalcock) feed anyway? Of course I do! That being said, I think there are certain topics of conversation people avoid because it’s too personal and usually kept private. Β One example being my post on my struggle with an eating disorder. However, I think there is healing and empowerment in talking about some of these “personal and private” matters. Everyone was given a story, and stories are meant to be shared.

A month ago, I had a miscarriage.

It’s weird. It’s sad. It makes me feel guilty.

Last month, I had the suspicion that I was pregnant. I had many of the same early indicators that I did with Judah. I was super tired, my hormones were going crazy, and I wanted to eat everything we had in the house, all day long. And, I was late for my monthly visitor. When she finally came, it was different, and I knew it. I trust my instincts a lot when it comes to my body, I really believe God designed our bodies to tell us what we need and don’t need. He’s pretty smart like that. I knew something was off.

I called Kyle and told him I thought I was experiencing a miscarriage, and he immediately came home from work. I told him not to, that I’d be fine, but he knows me, and I’m so glad he didn’t listen to my stubbornness. Just having him around was such a comfort.

I called my doctor and spoke with a nurse who ordered up some lab work and later that week, my results confirmed that I did in fact experience a miscarriage.

I had what is known as a “chemical miscarriage,” meaning I wasn’t far along, and in fact, many women have these and don’t even know. But, I knew, and it hurt.

No, I didn’t get to the point of celebrating that positive pregnancy test, of going to the doctor and hearing the heartbeat, or seeing that little, growing body, and then later being told it was gone. For those of you that have, I simply cannot imagine that pain. For risk of causing upheaval, to me, a woman becomes a mother from the moment of conception, whether she knows it or not. When you have a miscarriage, you lose a child, no matter how early they are in their development.

On July 12, I lost a child.

I still feel the weight of that loss, and I feel so guilty. I know that it’s silly to feel guilty about something that I cannot control. But I still feel it. I didn’t even concretely know I was pregnant, and I feel guilty that that little life didn’t receive the proper love and grief it was due. I feel guilty when I look over at my little boy playing so well by himself. I feel guilty that my body failed in some way and that I lost his little brother or sister–his playmate.

I feel guilty. I feel sad. I feel loss. And that’s okay.

Just because I didn’t know for sure that I was pregnant before it happened doesn’t make it any less of a daily struggle. In fact, earlier this week, I broke down crying while getting dressed for the day. I’m crying right now, as I compose this post. A loss is a loss, no matter what stage.

Going through this has made me realize how precious these little lives our bodies carry are. I am so grateful for my son. I am so grateful that he defied the odds he was given after his first ultrasound. I’m so grateful for his smile, his endless energy, his laughs, and the joy he brings to Kyle and I.

This one is at the top of that list of many questions I have to ask the Big Man when that glorious day comes that I get to meet him. Why does it happen? Why does it always seem like the women and men who would make the best parents have to struggle when it comes to so easily to others? Why do you create something only to take it away so quickly? I guess I just have to chalk this one up to His infinite wisdom and my minuscule, earthly brain that couldn’t possibly understand the complexities of His creation.

All I know is it’s hard. It makes me stop and think. But I’m working through it, and sharing this with you was a big step in that process. So thanks for listening and helping me heal.

Now I’m off to play with this gem and give him a couple extra squeezes.

photo

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20 thoughts on “A Life Lost

  1. First, I’m sorry you had to go through this but thank you for sharing! I had a miscarriage June 2009….I only knew I was pregnant for 1 week and was only about 2 weeks along, but it still hurt like he** to go through. It does eventually stop stinging so much and Judah will eventually have a playmate…it all happens when its meant to.

  2. So sorry to read this 😦 Miscarriage is something that is hard to understand and empathize with unless you go through it. The little one we lost was due January 1. I think about that little precious baby every now and then, but especially around the first of every new year. To be honest, I still shed a few tears every now and then. But, the knowledge that we have a child up in Heaven that we will meet one day fills me with joy. I can’t wait for that day! Just think, our little ones have probably already met πŸ™‚ Also, it is strange to think that if we had that baby, we wouldn’t have Allison, and I can’t imagine that! His ways are not our ways, and I’m so thankful for that! Praying for you!

  3. hey bethany,

    I know we were never really friends in huntington, but thanks so much for sharing. I’ve never been pregnant, so I can’t begin to imagine what a miscarriage feels like, but I am truly sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing your heart so openly with… the internet, haha. I was blessed to read it. I’ll be praying for you and Kyle.

    jess (rhode) sartore

    p.s. you write beautifully.

    • Jess, Thank you so much. There are so many that I wish I had gotten to know during my time at HU, and you are definitely one of them. Thank you for reading and for your prayers. I hope you are well!

  4. We miscarried a baby also. Its easy to put it aside when it happens so early almost like it never happened, but it did and it hurts too. I cant speak for Shelly, I am sure she would tell you she shares your sentiments, but I can tell you, I think about that child often, was it a boy or a girl, what would they have been like, what would their personality been like, who would they have married, I suspect I always will. I am truly sorry for your loss. Someone told me last week ” my need to understand will not will never bring me peace” trust in the Lord, and He will see you through. Mike

  5. I’m so sorry for your loss. I lost my first baby just over two months ago, at 17 weeks pregnant. I think you’re right, even from the second a woman becomes pregnant, she is a mother. I feel like a mother now, but not the kind I ever wanted to be.
    Hoping healing and happiness for you.

    • I’m sorry for your loss as well. I hope the same for you and pray for healing to come for you too. I’m convinced your journey says a lot of your character, and I pray that you will be the mother you have always wanted to be soon!

  6. Dearest Bethany,

    I feel your pain and loss and only know too well the pain of losing 2 little ones to miscarriage. People say it’s common to miscarry but until you go through that experience, it takes on a whole different meaning. However, I do believe God allows us to go through painful times so that we can be more understanding and empathetic with other women who have gone through similar situations. The second miscarriage was the hardest for me because I was 20 weeks when the baby had died. I struggled with resentment and other emotions until I came to grips with reality and accepted the blessing it would be for Anna to have a sibling closer to her age. Once I had a change of attitude it seemed like God allowed me to miscarry. And it was quite painful because I went through that journey and struggle privately. I am thankful for the time that I had during my recuperation that God turned mourning into joy and He gave me peace.

    Yes, we look forward to having a reunion with 2 more Lewis children. πŸ™‚ We know children are a blessing from God and are precious! Be comforted by the hope that you will see this precious one day!

    love & prayers,
    Aunt Mary Beth

  7. Thank you for sharing this. It is true…all of these babies are precious, regardless of how long or short we carried them for. But as your friend above posted, it eases the pain to know that they are in heaven…they exist even at this moment, and in heaven we really will get to spend forever with them. God knows this longing of our heart. He is gracious. Thank you for sharing (my due date was June 28, and I think about him alot).

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