Wow, it’s been a minute since I’ve posted. It’s just been so beautiful out here that it’s hard for me to justify staring at a computer screen for anything other than work.
I promise I’ll try to be more consistent in the future, but bare with me for this one…
This post isn’t typical. Instead, I’m looking for some feedback from you, my readers. A couple weeks ago, a friend of mine was chatting with me about babies, life, and our mutual experiences with miscarriage. After talking with her and going through some of our thoughts, she mentioned to me that I should write a book. The thought of ever writing anything like that has never crossed my mind, but the thought has intrigued me ever since. A few days later, I casually mentioned the subject to my parents. They also agreed right away and were quite excited about it. However, I’m still in the doubtful/can I do it stages, which is where you come in.
The topic of the book would be about miscarriages. When I have shared with you the stories of my babies (read about them here and here), I have received so much feedback. So many women have reached out to me and told me that they too have experienced this loss, and all the emotions that come with it.
One thing that always strikes me is how common miscarriages are, yet how little they are spoken about. The subject is often tiptoed around and overlooked, meanwhile a mother is left to silently grieve the life of her lost child. To me, it shouldn’t be that way.
I firmly believe that a woman becomes a mother the moment she knows she is pregnant. That’s it, right there. When that privilege of being a mother is abruptly taken away, there should be grief. There should be discussion about it. That baby shouldn’t be quickly dismissed, gotten over, and forgotten. That baby deserves to be remembered. That loss deserves to be recognized.
I know that for the rest of my life, every April and every September, I will think about what life might have been like had my babies survived. I will rejoice in the blessings I have, but I will still grieve them. They are not something to be forgotten. Though my babies lives were short, they were lived. They were a part of me. They will always be a part of me. They will always be a part of Kyle.
One of the biggest aspects of my healing process has been the ability to relate to other women who have gone through this same grief. Hearing their stories, remembering their babies, and knowing that my pain is understood has been so powerful. The suggestion was made that I write a book to capture these stories in an effort to help others grieve, and to shed light on this common tragedy that millions of women experience.
I believe women are continually feeling forced to “get over it quickly,” because people don’t understand how to help them grieve. If we keep sweeping this issue under the rug, how can we heal?
There’s something about pregnancy that makes people think all social norms are dropped. For example, when you’re pregnant, why do people think it’s okay to comment on how “huge” you are? Why is it ever okay to ask how much weight a pregnant woman has gained? These same tactless comments are true after having a miscarriage. Questions like, “When will you try again?” or comments like, “Oh, it’s no big deal, you’ll get pregnant again,” or worse, no comments at all, only further the perception that since the baby was so brand new, it was like it didn’t exist.
My question to those of you who have gone through this experience is, would a book like this have been helpful? Would you have wanted to know about others out there, would you want to hear their stories and learn from their experience? Would you take comfort in sharing in their grief? Would you find encouragement in knowing you’re not alone and that your baby won’t be forgotten?
Would a book like this have been helpful to those of you who have watched a loved one suffer from this loss? Would a book like this be something you would want to give to others so that they could help you grieve?
If yes, what would a book like this look like to you? What specific areas should it address?
I want our babies to be remembered, and not just silently. If you have suggestions, questions, or feel that you would somehow like to participate in this project, please send an email to email@example.com.
Thanks Leilani for this idea, even if it does nothing more than spark a conversation–one that shouldn’t be kept silent.