Motherhood lately has been a pretty big guilt trip that I’m putting myself through. I’ve been short on patience where it’s been needed most. Slow to sympathize when it’s been requested. Motherhood lately has been the struggle to find that balance between surviving the day, and embracing it. It’s been difficult to look forward to going to yet another park or splash pad, or playing yet another game of car racing. Motherhood lately has been barely holding on and hoping for ten minutes of silence where I can change over the laundry, or do a few dishes. Motherhood lately has been kind of gray.
This summer has been a mix. It’s been mostly great, but there has been a cloud that’s slowly creeping in. We’ve had a steady busyness of visitors and activities, and still more to come. Our family has strengthened existing friendships, formed new ones, and assessed others that were maybe not what we thought. We’ve found ourselves a pretty solid family away from family, and we’ve felt so much love this summer. We’ve had visits from dear friends from far away and from my parents, and an upcoming vacation with Kyle’s entire family. We celebrated our beautiful boy’s third birthday. Not to mention we’ve finally made it through the first trimester of a new pregnancy. These events have left us feeling blessed and loved.
But despite all of this amazingness, motherhood lately has been a struggle for me. Everyone has their seasons, the highs and the lows, and I’m kind of in a slump right now. So, instead of constantly beating myself up about it, I’m attempting to cleanse that “I’m a half-assed mom” feeling through writing and hoping to start fresh.
Judah has been pretty fantastic. We’ve had tons of transitions and events this summer, as described, and through it all he’s been extremely tolerant and pleasant. Kyle and I were worried that all these guests and activities would make for one sleep deprived, fit-throwing child, but he’s surpassed our expectations and has proven he’s pretty much amazing and that we need to give him more credit where credit is due. I on the other hand, have not had this great of a report.
I’ve been in my first trimester for most of the summer, which means I was feeling sick, very anxious given our history, and pretty lethargic. Luckily, all these things are now starting to pass. However, dealing with this plus an energetic toddler can really take it out of you.
I’ve been getting down on myself lately because the place where I “work” (ha) hasn’t really been requesting a lot from me lately, which scares me for our bank account. I’ve also been going a little bit crazy…I haven’t been away from Judah this entire summer, except for that one time I had a doctor’s appointment and asked a friend to watch him while I had my annual pap smear. Just what you want to do with an hour to yourself, right?
It’s been a tricky time for me and Kyle too. Not being away from Judah also means not having husband/wife time. Kyle has been working so hard this summer to provide for our family. I am SO proud of that man. He has worked crappy job after crappy job so that our bills are paid and I can be home to raise our kids. It’s one of the biggest testaments to how much he loves this family. Though he’s finally starting to map out a career plan, thanks to the works of God, this summer has been no exception to that crappy job cycle that he’s just barely breaking out of. Though we are thankful for the work he has, I still think it’s okay to think it’s kind of sucky sometimes.
Kyle has been working on a roofing crew this summer with the school system. Physical labor is difficult, and roofing in the summer is like slow torture. Not to mention, Kyle isn’t used to physical labor, which makes it even an even more difficult adjustment, but throw in a heat wave where it hasn’t been below 90 degrees in at least a month, and it’s just brutal. Needless to say, upon leaving the house at the crack of dawn and working in the heat for the better part of the day, without fault, he comes home every afternoon completely whipped out. He’s basically a walking zombie from Monday through about Saturday afternoon when he finally get some much needed rest. So, while he’s out in the heat, breaking his back for a meager paycheck to help with my lack of work from my “employer,” that leaves me basically being a single mom.
Sure, I only have one kid to feed, potty train, and entertain at the moment, but it’s still hard. Sometimes, mommy needs her breaks. And sometimes I really just want to talk with my husband and hang out with him. But currently, it’s not an option. I know it will be over soon, and I can finally see that light at the end of the tunnel. But despite this summer of being surrounded by wonderful friends and family, it’s also been a little bit lonely. And sometimes I feel very much like I’m kind of half-assing the whole mom thing. There are moments where I just want silence, and Judah wants to reiterate every thought that passes through his brain. There are times when I want to sift through my email for five minutes, and just can’t because I’m being bombarded with cars, and trucks, and monster noises. There is laundry to be done, dishes to be washed, floors to be vacuumed, and beds to be made, and I don’t have the energy to do it.
Motherhood lately has been a trial, but it’s one that will only make me stronger in the end. I love my little boy to pieces, and I adore my husband and the way he fights to provide for our family. So, to all you other parents out there struggling to stay standing in this summer heat wave–solidarity.